The Aardvark Speaks : essence, effervescence, obscurity. Established 2002. A weblog by Horst Prillinger. ISSN 1726-5320

The Aardvark Speaks : the moose sausage mystery

This page contains the last 50 stories posted to this category, sorted in chronological order (earliest first). For earlier stories, you need to check out the monthly archives.


Oh. My. God.

A picture of moose sausage found in Horst's refrigerator.

I found this in Horst's refrigerator today. This is outrageous. This is so outrageous. This is so totally outrageous.

This is also how friendships end.

Posted by Haldur Gislufsson on November 02, 2003 | # | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

I am innocent!

It seems I have been the victim of a devious plot. Somebody has planted moose sausage in my refrigerator, which Haldur found this morning. At this very moment Haldur is packing his suitcase and preparing to leave. This is terrible! I am innocent! I would never eat moose sausage — at least not while there is a moose living in my flat. I need to act fast and find the person who wants to destroy my friendship with Haldur.

Posted by Horst on November 02, 2003 | # | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

Resignation

It is with great sadness that I, Haldur Gislufsson, herewith announce my resignation from this weblog. You will understand that I do not want to be associated with moose sausage eaters.

Posted by Haldur Gislufsson on November 02, 2003 | # | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

The unusual suspects

Okay, in search of the villain who planted moose sausage in my refrigerator to destroy my friendship with Haldur, I've narrowed the list of possible suspects down to three friends of Haldur's, who were over for dinner recently. It must be one of them. Here are the mugshots:

Marsu the marsupilamiHans the hedgehogElchi the elk
Marsu the marsupilami
Possible motive:
is a practical joker
Hans the hedgehog
Possible motive:
inferiority complex
Elchi the elk
Possible motive:
jealousy

I don't know any of them, but they've been over before and Haldur once told me that one of them is a pathological liar who will never tell the truth, one of them sometimes lies and sometimes tells the truth, and one of them is totally honest and will always tell the truth, even if this means incriminating himself. Now they know who's lying and who's not, but I don't.

Their lawyer allowed me to ask the three guys a total of no more than four questions to determine who did it, but he told me to be very careful about my accusations, because while one was indeed a witness to the crime, another one of the three is innocent and has absolutely no idea what is going on.

I think I have found a way to do it with just four questions. However, before I contact the lawyer and make an appointment, I'd like to hear other opinions. Please send me your solutions via e-mail or post them in the comments. The first one to send in a correct solution will receive a gift (only one answer per person please!). But please hurry, or Haldur may have emigrated to some foreign country. Thank you.

Posted by Horst on November 03, 2003 | # | Comments (22) | TrackBack (0)

So who did it?

First of all, you can still participate in the quiz that helps me determine who planted the moose sausage.

Second, you can use the online poll below to cast your vote who you think is the evil villain who wants to destroy my friendship with Haldur.

Sausage Villain

Who planted the moose sausage in my fridge?

Marsu the marsupilami
Hans the hedgehog
Elchi the elk
Powered by Sparklit  Current Results
Posted by Horst on November 04, 2003 | # | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

The sausage affair

Two of the suspects in the moose sausage affair wish to have these statements published here:

Elchi the elkElchi the elk: "Let me just say that I am deeply disappointed by the readers of this weblog. That a majority of the people who voted in the suspects vote would seriously consider that an elk would even touch a piece of elk sausage is totally devastating. You must believe that I am mentally very much disturbed. Let me just say that I am not. I would never touch elk sausage and I would never do any harm to Haldur, even though I have been rather neglected ever since he moved in. I may be slightly jealous, but I'm not a sick pervert."


Marsu the marsupilamiMarsu the marsupilami: "Okay, so I put yoghurt in Horst's shoes and attached bananas to Haldur's antlers — but moose sausage? Come on. I may be a practical joker, but I am well aware where jokes end and bad taste begins. I'm a good friend of Haldur's and I know how sensitive he is when it comes to moose sausage. Especially since his grandfather disappeared without a trace from some Swedish forest. Seriously, I would never do such a thing."

Hans the hedgehog is mysteriously missing.

And new evidence has just come up that might render the planned interviews with the four questions unnecessary. We'll keep you informed.

Posted by Horst on November 05, 2003 | # | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)

Wanted

Hans the hedgehog / Wanted/ EUR 300 Reward

PS. Sorry for the lack of non-fluffy content lately, but Richard is out of town this week, and I'm so busy that I'm quite incapable of producing intelligent postings at the moment.

Posted by Horst on November 06, 2003 | # | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Question

Continued fluffiness?

Shall I continue with the moose sausage mystery, or have you had enough fluffy animals already?

Continue story
Enough fluffiness, stop now!
Current Results
Posted by Horst on November 10, 2003 | # | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Moose sausage update

We interrupt our regular broadcast to bring you a news update in the moose sausage affair. As you know, an as yet unknown villain has planted a piece of moose sausage in my refrigerator to destroy my friendship with Haldur Gislufsson, who has since moved out of my flat and resigned from this weblog's board of editors.

Just as a scheme to question the three suspects was worked out, one of them, Hans the hedgehog, mysteriously disappeared, thwarting any attempt to find the culprit.

Video still of Hans the hedgehog in some forest

Today, the editors of The Aardvark Speaks received this shocking video footage (1.2MB, requires QuickTime 6.3), which we bring to you live, direct, unedited and unadulterated.

This video should be the final piece in the puzzle as to who planted the moose sausage after police specialists already found a number of tiny holes in the packaging of the sausage last Wednesday — holes as if the sausage had been carried on the back of a hedgehog! The motive behind this terrible deed is shocking and disturbing. Let us all hope that Hans the hedgehog will be caught soon.

Posted by Horst on November 10, 2003 | # | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

Haldur may be back soon!

Following yesterday's publication of a disturbing video, in which an obviously deranged Hans the hedgehog admitted having planted the moose sausage in my refrigerator, saying it was part of a sinister plan to achieve world domination and then take bitter revenge on motorists for all the hedgehog deaths on the streets, Haldur Gislufsson called and we had a long talk.

Haldur admitted that the video and the tiny holes in the sausage indeed strongly indicate Hans's involvement and that I am most likely innocent. So Haldur said that unless further evidence shows up that proves the opposite, he will be back very soon!

Posted by Horst on November 11, 2003 | # | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

What the...

A note from Hans - he claims the video was a fake

This was just found and forwarded to us. Oh my. It seems that things are more complicated than they seemed at first.

Posted by Horst on November 12, 2003 | # | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

Traffic camera

Hans on the runIn the moose sausage mystery, we just received this strange footage (400K, requires QuickTime 6), which was apparently recorded by a traffic camera. I doubt whether this might help clear up what really happened, even though the person hedgehog on it looks a lot like Hans — and is that yellow thing a marsupilami tail?

Posted by Horst on November 15, 2003 | # | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Stop Press

The traffic camera video has now yielded a result: we have just learned that Hans the hedgehog and Marsu the marsupilami have been caught by the police. Apparently Hans was running as fast as he could, and Marsu was running after him. Haldur Gislufsson has been notified, and he will be interviewing the two of them tomorrow. Expect the solution to the moose sausage mystery very soon. Stay tuned!

Posted by Horst on November 17, 2003 | # | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Interview with the suspects

As I mentioned briefly yesterday, there has been a new development in the moose sausage mystery: Hans the hedgehog, one of the main suspects, who had mysteriously disappeared, then appeared on a disturbing video and subsequently claimed to be innocent and have been abducted, and Marsu the marsupilami were arrested by the police yesterday after they were seen on a traffic camera. As the police couldn't make any sense of what the two were saying, they sent for Haldur Gislufsson to interview them. Haldur has agreed to make the interview transcript available to the readers of The Aardvark Speaks, so we are able to exclusively offer you this exciting piece of evidence, which may finally solve the mystery.

Here is the transcript of the interview:

INTERROGATION TRANSCRIPT       Tuesday, November 18th, 2003

Interviewer: GISLUFSSON, Haldur
Suspects: HEDGEHOG, Hans; MARSUPILAMI, Marsu.


H. GISLUFSSON: Hans, I suppose the police have told you what this is all about. Can you say in your own words what happened that night when the moose sausage was planted?

H. HEDGEHOG: Everything was dark. I couldn't see a thing. Then I heard a strange hissing sound, and somebody dropped something heavy on me. I immediately curled into a ball. It's an instinct thing, you know. I couldn't help it. The problem was, as a ball I could see even less.

H. GISLUFSSON: Can you remember anything?

H. HEDGEHOG: There was an intense smell.

H. GISLUFSSON: Can you be more specific?

H. HEDGEHOG: It was a bit like smoked insect larvae, I guess.

H. GISLUFSSON: Could it have been smoked moose sausage?

H. HEDGEHOG: I have no idea. I have never eaten moose sausage. If smoked moose sausage smells anything like smoked insect larvae, I suppose it could have been moose sausage. Does moose sausage smell like smoked insect larvae?

H. GISLUFSSON: Ummm... sorry, I have no idea either. I'm a vegetarian, I eat neither moose sausage nor insect larvae. Hm. Um. Well. What happened next?

H. HEDGEHOG: I was curled up into a ball for a while, then I fell asleep. The next morning, my lawyer called and told me not to say a thing. He didn't say much else. It was kind of cryptic, but it seemed really important.

H. GISLUFSSON: You have the same lawyer as Marsu and Elchi?

H. HEDGEHOG: Yes, it's a group discount thing.

H. GISLUFSSON: Did the lawyer say why he wanted you to remain silent?

H. HEDGEHOG: He said that everything I said could be used against me. I wasn't sure what he meant, but I didn't want anything be used against me.

H. GISLUFSSON: Marsu, do you have any idea why your lawyer would say such a thing to Hans?

M. MARSUPILAMI: No.

H. GISLUFSSON: Okay, Hans, so what happened next?

H. HEDGEHOG: Two days later, I received a phone call that there was a sale of extra fine Grade 1 worms at one specific pile of leaves in a backyard. As proteins and good nourishment are essential for my hibernation, I went there. When I arrived, somebody shouted "Boo!" and I immediately curled up into a ball. They picked me up and carried me somewhere.

H. GISLUFSSON: Could you see or hear anything?

H. HEDGEHOG: No, I was completely curled up. I already said it, it's an instinct thing. I can't fight it. Somebody frightens me, I curl up into a ball. I tell you, sometimes I really hate my hedgehog instincts. Anyway, when I uncurled, I found myself locked in some cheap motel room.

H. GISLUFSSON: A motel room?

H. HEDGEHOG: Well, it looked like a really seedy motel room, with a stained carpet, a bed full of bedbugs and a can of worms for me to eat. There was also a TV set there, but the programme was really awful. I saw on the TV news that this strange video had appeared and that the police were looking for me.

H. GISLUFSSON: It must have been terrible.

H. HEDGEHOG: Well, it wasn't so bad. The bedbugs were really yummy and that can of worms was really big. It would have lasted a while.

H. GISLUFSSON: I meant, what you saw on TV.

H. HEDGEHOG: Oh yes, yes.

H. GISLUFSSON: That was when you wrote the note?

H. HEDGEHOG: Yes, I had to find a way to tell people the truth. So I scribbled the note and when I heard footsteps outside, I slipped it under the door.

H. GISLUFSSON: And how did you escape?

H. HEDGEHOG: After a few days, I knew I needed to escape. I could fall asleep and start hibernating any day, and I really needed to clear this up before spring. I took the can opener and started manipulating the door, until it suddenly sprang open.

H. GISLUFSSON: Did you recognize where you were?

H. HEDGEHOG: No, but it looked like a cheap motel.

H. GISLUFSSON: Then you did what?

H. HEDGEHOG: I started looking for the way out of the building. Suddenly I noticed steps behind me. I started running as fast as I could. Somebody kept shouting "Stop!", but I knew I needed to escape. So I ran.

H. GISLUFSSON: Did you recognize who was after you?

H. HEDGEHOG: Not at first, I only saw something yellow. But it soon became clear that it was Marsu, the marsupilami!

To be continued...

By the way, Haldur is back on the board of editors of this blog.

Posted by Horst on November 18, 2003 | # | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

Interview with the suspects, part 2

Hello, this is Haldur again. Even though the affair that led to my retirement from the weblog three weeks ago hasn't fully been cleared up yet, there are now enough clues to suggest that Horst is indeed innocent, so I am temporarily back to bring you the latest news on the moose sausage mystery.

Today I can present you the second part of the interview I conducted with Hans the hedgehog and Marsu the marsupilami (part one here) last Tuesday. Sorry for the delay, but it took me a while to type this transcript from the tape I recorded during the interview.

At the end of part one, Hans told us how he managed to escape from what looked like a seedy motel, and how he was pursued by Marsu.

This is how the story continues:

INTERROGATION TRANSCRIPT   PART 2    Tuesday, November 18th, 2003

Interviewer: GISLUFSSON, Haldur
Suspects: HEDGEHOG, Hans; MARSUPILAMI, Marsu.


H. GISLUFSSON: Well, we have some evidence from a traffic camera that would indicate that you may have been pursued by Marsu.

H. HEDGEHOG: It was him alright. I mean, I recognize a marsupilami when something yellow with black spots is running after me, shouting "Houba! Houba!".

H. GISLUFSSON: Didn't you say that he was shouting "Stop!"?

H. HEDGEHOG: He was shouting "stop" in marsupilami language.

H. GISLUFSSON: What then?

H. HEDGEHOG: We kept running for a while, until we were stopped by the police, who brought us here.

H. GISLUFSSON: I see. Marsu, can you explain why you were running after Hans?

M. MARSUPILAMI: Certainly. I had just liberated him from that awful place and wanted to bring him back home, but he seemed to panic and was running in the wrong direction. That's why I told him to stop.

H. GISLUFSSON: You liberated Hans?

M. MARSUPILAMI: Absolutely. I had managed to track Hans down to that place. I heard some weird sounds, like whispering and scratching behind the door — that must have been when Hans was trying to open it with the can opener. The key was in the lock on the outside, so I simply unlocked and opened the door. Hans came out and started running away in the wrong direction. So I ran after him.

H. GISLUFSSON: How did you find the motel?

M. MARSUPILAMI: Motel?

H. GISLUFSSON: The motel where Hans was.

M. MARSUPILAMI: I beg your pardon?

H. GISLUFSSON: The place from which you liberated Hans. Hans said it looked like a cheap motel.

M. MARSUPILAMI: Hans was locked in a garden shed. A small, wooden garden shed.

H. GISLUFSSON: Erm, Hans?

H. HEDGEHOG: Well, there was a stained carpet in there, a pile of leaves as a bed, lots of bugs, and a can of worms.

H. GISLUFSSON: So it could have been a garden shed?

H. HEDGEHOG: You may call it a garden shed, but we hedgehogs call seedy buildings in which we usually stay overnight "motels".

H. GISLUFSSON: I see. Marsu, how did you find out where Hans was kept prisoner?

M. MARSUPILAMI: That was easy. I had the pink piece of paper on which Hans had written his call for help. I knew I had to save him. I just followed the trail.

H. GISLUFSSON: Trail?

M. MARSUPILAMI: Scent. We marsupilamis have a superior sense of smell. It took a few days, but I finally found him.

H. GISLUFSSON: Couldn't you have started looking for him much earlier?

M. MARSUPILAMI: Well, before that note we saw that video footage and thought he was a dangerous terrorist. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to mess with a dangerous terrorist.

H. GISLUFSSON: You could have assisted the police in finding Hans.

M. MARSUPILAMI: Well, yes... but my lawyer had told me not to tell them anything.

H. GISLUFSSON: Why?

M. MARSUPILAMI: He said that everything I said could be used against me, and I didn't want that to happen.

H. GISLUFSSON: Why would your lawyer say such a thing?

M. MARSUPILAMI: I don't know, but I guess my record of practical jokes might have something to do with it. It could imply me as a suspect.

H. GISLUFSSON: And your lawyer is trustworthy?

M. MARSUPILAMI: Absolutely. He was very successful in a number of lawsuits that I had to endure because of practical jokes that went awry...

H. GISLUFSSON: Erm, just for the record, what's his name?

M. MARSUPILAMI: Bjørn-Hugo Goa-orm.

H. GISLUFSSON: What kind of weird name is that?

M. MARSUPILAMI: Well, it's not much weirder than "Haldur Gislufsson".

H. GISLUFSSON: Um. Hm. Well. So about the moose sausage...

M. MARSUPILAMI: I know nothing about it.

H. GISLUFSSON: You surely must have seen something.

M. MARSUPILAMI: It was really dark, you see...

H. GISLUFSSON: So you did see something?

M. MARSUPILAMI: There was this intense smell...

H. GISLUFSSON: Like smoked insect larvae?

M. MARSUPILAMI: I have no idea what smoked insect larvae smell like. It was more like...

H. GISLUFSSON: Smoked moose sausage?

M. MARSUPILAMI: No, like smoked piranhas, only not fishy.

H. GISLUFSSON: Piranhas, not fishy? Something sure seems to smell fishy here. Are you sure you didn't see anything?

M. MARSUPILAMI: There was this strange...

BJ.-H. GOA-ORM: I demand that you thtop quethtioning my client immediately!

At this point I had to stop the interview, as Bjørn-Hugo Goa-orm had barged in and demanded that I immediately stop questioning his clients.

This is getting more and more complicated. I really wonder what I should do next...

Posted by Haldur Gislufsson on November 22, 2003 | # | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

This nagging feeling

Bjørn-Hugo Goa-OrmThere's a new development in the moose sausage mystery (readers who don't know what I'm talking about, follow this link, where you will find the full story). Bjørn-Hugo Goa-Orm (see picture on the left), the lawyer of the three suspects, has shown up again and demanded that I am not just to stop talking to his clients, but to cease my investigations altogether. However, I have this nagging feeling that I'm closer to the solution of this mystery than ever before, and that it would be stupid to stop now. Besides, for some weird reason I don't entirely trust this lawyer. If you have an idea what I could do next, just leave a comment.

Posted by Haldur Gislufsson on November 26, 2003 | # | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

The mystery continues...

They say that the villain always comes back to the scene of the crime, so in an attempt to solve the moose sausage mystery, I borrowed Horst's camera and hid it very cleverly in the kitchen, rigging it in such a way that it would go off whenever somebody opened the refrigerator. After only two nights of waiting the camera came up with some very interesting pictures last night. They're not too conclusive, but I have the feeling that they might turn out to be useful. Have a look...

Picture 1

Picture 2

Picture 3

Okay, so either all of these folks got peckish that night, or there is some other significance to their apperance. If I only knew what to make of this...

Posted by Haldur Gislufsson on December 03, 2003 | # | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

Poor Horst; Odd new clue

Horst sends his apologies for not posting anything, but the poor guy did not only break five bottles of Belgian beer, he also caught a nasty bug in Belgium that upset his digestive system in such a way that he's now spending considerably more time on the toilet than in front of the computer. He's also whining a lot because apparently his stomach hurts in a major way. Poor guy. And this has been going on since Wednesday. Poor me.

Anyway, back to the moose sausage mystery. I had another look at the pictures, and I wonder if you people spotted the same thing on one of the photos that I spotted. This is most interesting.

A new clue to the mystery - is this a purple elk snout?

Is this what I think it is? I mean, this looks a lot like the nose of a certain purple guy whom we all know and who has been conspicuously silent lately... Is it him? And if yes, what was he doing there?

Posted by Haldur Gislufsson on December 05, 2003 | # | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

Yummy yummy

Haldur and Manner wafers

This is so nice! To celebrate my 4th anniversary of moving in with Horst, he gave me a giant pack of Manner wafers. Yum yum yum! He already posted a photo of me and the wafers yesterday, but to demonstrate just how huge this pack actually is, I thought I'd take this picture, where you can see a regular pack on the left and my giant pack on the right. And-- hey, what is Hans doing behind my wafer pack?!?

Posted by Haldur Gislufsson on December 14, 2003 | # | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

Hold the Thief!

Hans carrying away Haldur's Manner box

I had suspected Hans was up to something when I saw him hiding behind my box of wafers on Sunday. So I kept a close eye on him, and voilą, I caught him trying to steal my wafers! He's most certainly a ruthless villain! Now I'm pretty convinced he is also behind the moose sausage scheme, and I will most certainly interrogate him later today, as soon as his lawyer is here.

Posted by Haldur Gislufsson on December 16, 2003 | # | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

Not good

So I had everything set up — Hans was there, his lawyer was there, and everything seemed to be quite clear. I asked Hans about the stolen wafers and the moose sausage, and despite the fact that I had caught him red-handed with my wafers, he claimed that he couldn't remember a thing, and he just found himself with my wafers on his back like he was awaking from some trance. Then he suddenly got all sleepy and promptly started hibernating, right there on the table:

Bjørn-Hugo and Haldur, Hans hibernating on the table

So what is wrong with Hans — does he have a split personality, or is he the victim of some terrible conspiracy? Is he possibly under someone's hypnotic control? I fear we won't find out until spring...

Posted by Haldur Gislufsson on December 19, 2003 | # | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Remember that moose sausage?

You may remember that a while ago there was a lot of fuss about a moose sausage on this weblog, but there haven't been any updates since December 19th, when Hans the hedgehog, one of the prime suspects, suddenly started hibernating and was henceforth unavailable for any further questioning. A few people have now inquired about the current state of affairs.

As it happens, things haven't progressed very far from where we left off. There is something of a major mystery about Hans, who is still hibernating. Also, I have somewhat lost interest in the whole affair. The sausage has mysteriously disappeared a while ago (most likely it was eaten by mice), no other disquieting things have happened, and Horst has been really nice to me lately, so I'm fairly convinced he has nothing to do with it. It's possible I'll ask Hans a few more questions when he wakes up, but I might also just leave everything as it is now.

Sorry to disappoint those of you who wanted to know who did it, but I really don't know myself, and I doubt I'll ever find out. If I do, I'll let you know immediately.

Posted by Haldur Gislufsson on February 01, 2004 | # | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

Sleeping hedgehogs

Hans the hedgehog, who has been hibernating rather intensely for he past few weeks, started whimpering in his sleep today. I suppose this either means he will soon wake up or that his bad conscience over The Moose Sausage Affair is getting to him. Speaking of which — that mystery was never solved. All the suspects have kept a suspiciously low profile over the past few months. I wonder if I should just let sleeping hedgehogs lie or whether it's time to revive the case once Hans has woken up.

Posted by Haldur Gislufsson on May 09, 2004 | # | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)


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